


Stronger in your arms

by TheLadyOrTheTiger



Series: Awkward dorks in love [2]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Adamant Fortress, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, Lyrium Withdrawal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-28
Updated: 2015-10-01
Packaged: 2018-04-23 20:15:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4890616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheLadyOrTheTiger/pseuds/TheLadyOrTheTiger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some things are impossible to deal with alone. The Inquisitor and her Commander support each other through the hardest of times.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. You were my hope

**Author's Note:**

> Huge thanks to miss-shaley, the most helpful, supportive, and all around bestest person I know.  
> (Pleas don't choke me for the silly mistakes I make you correct)

This was a stupid idea. She shouldn't have come. There was still time for her to turn back.

"If there's anything I can do, you have only to ask," Cullen said that day on the battlements, after she asked him about his lyrium withdrawal. Alissa believed him. No matter how much he struggled, he always wanted to be there for her. She knew that she could depend on him, that he would not turn down her request.

That was not the point. The point was that she shouldn't ask him to... She should be stronger than that.

Trevelyan was just about to walk away when Cullen's voice stopped her.

"Come in Alissa."

Too late. She sighed, lifting up the flap of his tent and slipping inside.

"How did you know it was me?" she asked, playing for time. She desperately needed to come up with a plausible reason for why she wanted to see him. Troop movements maybe? He could probably talk about that for a long time.

"I saw your silhouette illuminated by the fire. Are you alright?" He made a face, his lips twisting in displeasure. "Maker's breath, I'm an idiot. You've just come back from the Fade - of course you can't be all right. You're impossibly resilient and strong, but even you have to be profoundly affected." Cullen sighed. "Excuse the rambling. Can I do anything for you?"

"I just..." Trevelyan couldn't get the words out. She couldn't lie and tell him that she was fine, but she was also too embarrassed to say what she really wanted.

"Alissa, you're trembling," her Commander observed, his voice strained.

"Oh..." She hadn't even noticed.

Cullen was next to her in a flash.

"Sit down."

He gently guided her to rest on his cot. Alissa allowed him to do it without a word. What a right mess she was! Maybe she underestimated her own reaction to what happened?

"Would you like something to drink? Do you need a healer? A blanket?"

Cullen was gazing intently at her and wringing his hands. He looked so scared. In battle he was fearless, but confronted with her pain, he was terrified and frantic to help her. It was strangely sweet.

"No. I don't want any of those things. Just... sit down." Alissa patted the space next to her.

Cullen complied and sat next to her - quite close, but still leaving a respectable distance between them.

"It's cold in the Fade," Alissa started, looking straight ahead, "but it's not a normal kind of cold. It has nothing in common with frosty mountain air, snow or wind. The air is very still, nothing stirs. It's just a..." She was grasping for words, shuddering at the memories, her fists clenching on the bed.

She was back there, cold, cold, so impossibly cold... And then, with the touch of a warm hand wrapping around her fist, she was in Thedas again.

Looking at Cullen with gratitude, Trevelyan uncurled her hand. His fingers twined with hers instantly. She clutched his hand tightly. It was her lifeline, her link to what was real and normal, and she couldn't imagine letting go. Fortunately Cullen didn't seem to want to do that either.

"The cold seeps inside of you," she managed to continue, comforted by his touch, "under your skin, into your bones. It wraps around your muscled and squeezes your organs. You can still move, but it feels like your body is not truly yours, like you're so cold you might as well be a corpse."

Alissa paused. Squeezing Cullen's hand in a vice grip, she tried to concentrate on its warmth, on how large and strong it was.

"Look at me," he pleaded, his grip as tight as hers. "You're not there anymore. You're here, with me. Safe."

The Inquisitor turned her eyes to Cullen. He captured her gaze and she couldn't look away, didn't want to. She's never looked into his eyes for so long. They were amber, she knew that, but now she saw that there were darker, brown flecks in them, and near his pupils they were light, more golden.

"They're so lovely." She only realized that she's voiced her thoughts when she saw his brows furrow in confusion. "Your eyes," she whispered, looking away in embarrassment.

Alissa wanted to pull her hand away, but Cullen didn't let go.

"I'm... uh... glad." He chuckled nervously.

The Inquisitor smiled slightly, looking away, knowing that her Commander was probably blushing.

This moment of small joy vanished, when, without Cullen's face to focus on, her mind drifted back to the Fade, assaulting her with images.

"There was this voice, the voice of the fear demon, taunting me. It called me..." Alissa ground her teeth. "It called me a little girl. And that made me furious. I've heard it so many times before. From my family, from other nobles, from people who tried to dismiss me, belittle me, break me. I focused on that anger. I might be small and a woman, but I'm not powerless. This fury, this desire to disprove that voice, and all the other voices that called me that, fueled me for a time. I tried to hold on to it for as long as I could."

Alissa took a deep breath. She had to get it out, all of it. Everyone asked about the Divine, about the demons. They were interested in the religious or magical aspects of her ordeal, but no one asked about her, how she felt. Which made sense. They had to understand what happen to move forward, to defeat Corypheus. Her feelings were of little consequence. The most important thing was that she was alive, that she didn't destroy the anchor by dying.

So she didn't try to selfishly derail the conversations by talking about her feelings. If people didn't want to hear about them, didn't think to ask, then she had no right and no reason to tell them.

Cullen was another matter. Cullen cared. He wanted to know, to help her. She could trust him.

"As I was walking deeper into the Fade, I was finding the memories that I've lost. Parts of me were returning. The demon called taking my fear, along with my memories, a kindness. It told me that pain won't make me stronger. That _it_ will grow stronger from my fears. In that moment I..." She paused, ashamed of herself. "I almost believed it. Despite my fury, it was getting to me. But I pushed on. I took what was mine. I felt more whole, but at the same time, as I wandered further, I also felt like I was on the verge of losing other parts of me to the dread building within me. I don't think I have to tell you how much fear takes away." Alissa glanced up at Cullen, wanting to make sure that she wasn't making his terrible memories resurface. He appeared concerned for her, but not haunted, so she continued. "The demon knew of everything that ever made me scared. It wasn't taking my fears now. It was feeding on my feelings, enjoying my torment."

Those memories were so fresh, so real, like a wound inside her mind that refused to close. Without thinking much, Alissa moved closer to Cullen, pressing herself to him from knee to shoulder.

"Even when it wasn't speaking, I knew the demon was there. I sensed its presence. It was playing with me. It attacked in waves. First it advanced - stronger and stronger, with more and more fears, and when I was almost drowning in them, it pulled back. I had a moment of respite, but just as I was getting back to normal, it returned. I dreaded those pauses more than the assaults. I knew the calm wasn't going to last, I was only thinking of what new horrors were going to fall on me next. I was losing hope."

It hurt to say those things, it hurt to remember. Trevelyan had to stop, to gather her composure. Cullen didn't say anything. He was just running his thumb over her knuckles. She was glad for his silence. There was nothing he, or anybody else could say in this situation. He could just listen and make sure she knew he was here, supporting her.

"Demons are more real in the Fade than they are here," she finally went on. "It's their world - they're stronger, more vicious, and certain of their power. We were just guests, or rather trespassers. I preferred the times when I had to fight them, in the physical sense of the word. That was easier. That was something I'm used to. When you can stab something, when you can kill it, you're not helpless. But you can't stab your fear, can't bury your blade in the choking feeling inside of you, can't slice open the sensation of something tearing at you from within."

How she wished she could vanquish her emotions just as easily as an enemy, to control her fears like she did her blades.

Now that she stopped again, Alissa noticed that Cullen's arm was around her shoulder, and his other hand was holding hers. His scent, his warmth, they were enveloping her, comforting her.

"I tried to combat the fear by remembering what I was fighting for, how much was at stake. That made it worse. It's such a tremendous responsibility. I wanted to scream, or just lie down and never move. Thousands upon thousands of lives depending on me - on someone weak, fearful and unworthy of their trust."

Trevelyan gulped air through open mouth, feeling tears coming on. With an angry snap she gnashed her teeth together. She was _not_ going to let the demon win by making her cry.

"Then the demon taunted my companions. And that made me furious. I might doubt myself, but I believe in my friends, in Hawke. Again, the anger made me stronger, more determined. I wanted to protect them."

Now Alissa didn't feel that motivating anger, just sadness.

"I know I couldn't have done it without them, but I regret that I had to take them with me. Being there hurt them, changed them irrevocably. When they joined the Inquisition they knew that they were getting into danger, they probably accepted the real possibility of dying, but the Fade is another thing altogether. They shouldn't have had to be there. To see all their regrets, all their fears laid bare." Trevelyan bit her lip to stop a sob from breaking out of her mouth. "There were gravestones, with their greatest fear written on them. I saw Cassandra's first. I didn't know what it was at first, and looked on the one next to hers. It was Dorian's. Then I understood and I didn't read any more. Those were private. No one should see them. I'm sorry I found out those things about them, that they were forced to see it, that I put them through all of that..."

There was no stopping it now. Alissa was crying, painful sobs wracking her body. Cullen let go of her hand and wrapped both of his arms around her, enfolding her, rocking her as she fell apart. She clung to him, her hands clutching his shirt, her wet face buried against his neck.

"It's not your fault. None of this is. You did everything you could," he whispered.

"It is! It is! It's all... I failed... I left him there." The Inquisitor couldn't recognize her own voice. It was raspy and strained. "Stroud. I told him to stay. He's still there. Tormented. Or dead."

"There was no other choice." Cullen sighed. "And that knowledge doesn't help you much, I know. You were faced with an impossible choice. You made that choice. You were strong enough to do it. And you are strong enough to bear the consequences."

"How... how can you call me strong when I've soaked your shirt with my tears?" she asked bitterly.

"Strength is not a lack of emotions. Strength is what you do. You fight, you persevere, you make decisions that would break others. And you feel it all. If you felt nothing, it would only mean that you are heartless, not strong."

"But I should deal with that on my own. You have your own worries. I should not burden you with..." A strange, hiccupping sound left her mouth and she couldn't finish her thought.

"There's nothing more important than you. As I've told you - I will always be there for you. Always. Whatever happens. Whatever you're feeling. Whatever you need." The passion and certainty in his tone made Alissa stop crying. "Suffering alone isn't strength. Being able to trust someone is. I know it's hard to let someone see you vulnerable. I was incredibly ashamed when I had to tell you about my addiction, but you made me feel safe, accepted, like I wasn't a failure."

"You are _not_ a failure, Cullen Stanton Rutherford," Alissa told him sternly, looking up at him, no tremor left in her voice. "You are impossibly brave and strong and good."

"So, me needing help was not a weakness, but when it happens to you it is?" he asked.

Trevelyan opened her mouth to respond, and swiftly closed it. He was right - she was setting a different standard for herself than for others.

"But with all my responsibilities, my power, shouldn't I..."

"No. You had all of that thrust onto you and you bear it remarkably, but you're still just a person. You have the right to be treated just like anybody else, to feel, to have moments of doubt, just like anybody else. And if someone says that you can't be human because you're the Inquisitor, I'm going to punch them in the face. Or you can punch them."

Alissa giggled.

"I don't think Josephine would approve."

"She's not just the ambassador - she's also your friend. I think she wouldn't mind terribly."

"Well, I was never good at punching. I'm more of a stabbing kind of girl, and I don't think that someone denying my humanity would be a stabbable offence."

Cullen laughed, deep and throaty.

"No, I think _that_ Josephine would not approve of," he told her, still smiling. "If you want to, I could give you a few lessons on punching."

"I'd like that. Actually, any excuse to spend more time with you is fine by me."

Cullen blushed slightly and Trevelyan chuckled. Getting this of her chest, being able to share her troubles made her feel so much better. She would never forget what happened, what she had to do, but for the moment she allowed herself to let go of it a little. She wiped the remnants of her tears from her cheeks.

"I almost turned back before going in here because I came to ask you to hold me, to make me warm again after the cold of the Fade. I was embarrassed about that, so instead I decided to just talk about it, and here I am in the end - held by you."

"Does it help?" Cullen wanted to know, as if he was still uncertain about his usefulness to her.

"You have no idea how good it feels," Alissa assured him.

"Are you still cold?" The question was earnest, but there was also a small smile playing at the corner of his mouth.

"A bit. Yes. I do need more warmth," she told him with a coy smirk, understanding where his train of thoughts was leading.

"In that case..." He put one arm under her knees and placed her on his lap. Alissa instantly moved closer, her arms going around his back, face pressed into his chest, her ear over his heart. "Better?" he asked.

"Infinitely," she confirmed, as his arms enfolded her.

They stayed like this for long moments. Alissa enjoyed being so close to him, listening to his steady heartbeat.

"Before I started to cry, I wanted to tell you something," she said after some time. "When fear tore at me and the thoughts of people depending on me were almost overwhelming, I thought about you. You were my hope. I believe in you. I believe that _you_ believe in _me_. When it comes to you, I have no fears."

A sound escaped his lips. She felt it more than heard it. His heart sped up. He was at a loss for words it seemed. Which was all right. He didn't have to say anything. The way his arms tightened around her was assurance enough for her.

"I... I will always try to be worthy of you," he finally said.

"You already are."

Nothing was left to say. Trevelyan wasn't sure how long she stayed with her Commander, secure and as happy as one could be after such an experience. One thing was for certain - she felt very warm, very cherished, and very strong.


	2. You keep me looking forward

The day was coming to an end and Alissa finally had a few precious hours just to herself. Obviously she wanted to spend them with Cullen. They haven't made any plans, but she knew that he didn't have any meetings or drills scheduled. And if he wanted to calibrate the trebuchets one more time then she was sure she could persuade him to put it off in favor of more interesting activities.

There was a bounce in her step as she made her way to his tower. An entire evening with the man she loved - nothing could make her happier. She wasn't sure exactly when it happened, how she stumbled through admiration and infatuation right into love, but there she was.

The feeling was there for probably much longer, but just the previous week, when she came to his office and saw his face light up at the sight of her, it hit her - she loved him. Loved him more than she ever thought possible. It was almost frightening in its intensity, in how overwhelming it was. It was also so new to her - she's only ever read about such things, and to experience them herself was exhilarating and a bit terrifying. To have someone else hold her heart, without even knowing it, have someone else mean so much to her, be so important, so essential to her, was scary. And yet she wouldn't trade it for the world. She trusted Cullen, had no fear that he would hurt her.

She haven't told him yet, wasn't sure when was the right moment to do so. When the thought occurred to her that day, Alissa almost blurted it out. But that wouldn't be right. It had to be a proper moment, a proper setting. She couldn't rush it. For now she kept the feelings like a secret treasure, locked away in her chest.

Maybe he would say it first, before she got the chance? If he didn't love her already, he was well on his way to doing so. It was plain to her in the way he looked at her, the way he spoke to her, held her, cared for her. She felt almost conceited while thinking this. Who was she to be so sure that a man like him could love her? But she just felt it, like an undeniable, irrefutable truth. There was a connection between them, a pull.

Trevelyan grinned as she pushed the doors to Cullen's office open, her head filled with thoughts of love and how she could express it without resorting to words. Her eyes swept over the room - her Commander wasn't in it. Alissa shrugged. She was just going to have to go on a little scavenger hunt.

"How many times do I have to say that I'm not to be disturbed?!" Cullen growled from his loft.

"I didn't know. I'm sorry." His angry words were like a bucket of cold water, dampening her joy. Trevelyan started backing away to the doors, surprised by his foul mood, saddened by it, but determined to give him the space he clearly needed.

"Maker, I'm sorry Alissa." There was a sharp intake of breath and a choked groan. "I didn't know it was you."

"Are you alright?" The noises he was making were starting to worry her.

"I'm just a bit..." The sentence ended in a strangled gasp.

"I'm coming up," Trevelyan announced, her hands going to the first rung of the ladder. Now she was truly afraid of what was happening.

"You don't have to... I'm not..." Cullen protested feebly.

Paying him no heed, Alissa got up to his loft. Now it was her turn to gasp. Cullen was spread on his bed, his bare chest covered in a sheen of sweat, his face contorted in pain.

"Cullen!" she practically shouted, rushing to his side and kneeling on the bed, her heart beating frantically.

He turned his head away, as if ashamed.

"I didn't want you to see me like this," he whispered harshly.

"Can I do anything for you?" the Inquisitor asked, ignoring his comment, eager to help, to wipe the pained look from his face.

"Not really." His hands fisted in the bedding. "It will pass. I just have to get through it."

"You don't have to do that alone." Alissa gripped his hand and felt his fingers close over hers instinctively. "You're burning up!" she exclaimed. His hand was hot like a branding iron.

"That's what happens. My body clamors for lyrium and it feels like I'm on fire. My bones ache like they're about to break from within." Cullen groaned, twisting in on himself, squeezing her hand hard. Alissa couldn't help wincing slightly.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Cullen let go of her hand, apparently terrified by the idea that he caused her pain. "You should go."

"I'm not leaving you like this." Trevelyan was indignant at the suggestion.

"I don't want to hurt you." He appeared almost crazed when he looked at her, eyes opened wide, pupils almost swallowing his irises.

"You won't." Alissa took his hand in both of hers and held it tight as he tried to take it back. "You'll never have to go through this alone again. Never," she vowed, meaning every word.

Cullen stopped trying to pull away from her.

"You should rest. You have enough problems to deal with. This could go on for hours."

"There's no place I'd rather be than at your side. You know how much I..." She almost said the word, but held back. This was not the time. "...care for you. That means your problems are my problems. We will deal with them together." She stroked his hand affectionately. "You've been there for me when I returned from the Fade, now let me be there for you."

"If you really want to..." Cullen agreed reluctantly, probably too weak to resist her further.

"Of course I do." Alissa pressed her lips to his hand. "I'll be back shortly," she told him, letting go. She knew what she could do.

The Inquisitor slid down the ladder quickly and ran to the keep. Throwing the doors to Solas's room wide open, she looked around wildly. She stalked to his desk, grabbed a bowl and let its contents clatter to the desk.

"Ice." She thrust the bowl at the elf, who quirked one brow at her. "I'm sorry about the mess - I'm in a hurry. Could you fill this with ice for me? It's very important," Trevelyan softened her previous demand, knowing that only courtesy would get her out of the situation quickly.

Solas just lifted his palm over the bowl and in a matter of seconds it was full of ice.

"Thank you," Alissa called back to him as she was walking away.

"Whatever you need, Inquisitor," the mage answered, just a hint of sarcasm in his words.

Trevelyan ran to Cullen's tower, careful not to spill the contents of the bowl. Maneuvering up the ladder with one arm full proved to be a challenge, but she was determined and nimble enough to finally find her way to the loft.

She thought she was prepared for the sight of her love in pain, and yet it struck her anew. His tense muscles, clammy skin, twisted features - they all made her want to scream in anger at her own inability to help him.

"If I could, I'd take your pain," she told him, sitting on the bed.

"I wouldn't let you. It's mine to bear," Cullen responded through clenched teeth.

Grabbing his shirt from the floor, Alissa put some ice in it and pressed it to Cullen's forehead.

"Should have thought of that myself," he muttered.

"Stop. You can hardly be expected to walk around and fetch things in your condition."

Trevelyan tried to remain matter-of-fact as she moved the cold cloth over his face, neck, shoulders, and down his chest.

"I've been dealing with this for weeks, I can... I'm..."

"Tired," the Inquisitor finished for him, despite knowing that it wasn't what he wanted to say. "Now you don't have to do a thing. If you need something to eat or drink - or anything, really - I'll get it for you."

"You're not a healer - it isn't your job to care for sick people."

"I'm definitely not a healer - quite the opposite. I usually deal the damage that healers try to repair." The corners of Cullen's lips twitched in an almost smile. Trevelyan counted that as a small victory. "When it comes to you, I will be anything you need."

All the ice has already melted against his burning skin, so Alissa took a new portion.

"I'm not good enough for you. You shouldn't waste your time on a damaged man like me." Cullen's voice was steady and determined, but at the end of his sentence it wavered ever so slightly. He looked away.

The words saddened and angered her at the same time. To think that he believed her to be too good for him was just absurd. Trevelyan placed her hand on his cheek and guided his face so that he looked at her.

"You are not damaged. You endured what other man never could. What you've been through made you stronger. I'm proud to call you mine. My time with you is not wasted. You are the best thing I have, the best thing I ever had," she told him earnestly, hoping he would believe her.

Cullen put his hand over hers on his face and kissed the inside of her palm. Alissa bit her lip, overwhelmed by the tender gesture.

"I can't fight you on this. I don't want to, even if I should," he whispered, letting go of her hand.

"So don't."

Cullen smiled, but in a moment his lips twisted in a grimace as another tremor of pain shot through his body. Alissa grabbed his hand and pressed the cloth firmly to his forehead.

"What can I do?" she asked, her voice shaking slightly.

"Just... just talk to me. It helps to be able to focus on your voice."

It was so important to distract him from his pain. Trevelyan felt her mind go blank. What should she talk about in such a situation? She desperately cast her eyes over the room, finally catching a glimpse of the moon peeking out of the hole in the roof. That gave her an idea.

"Once this is over, when Corypheus is dead, we will travel," she started. "I wish you could accompany me when I go all over Ferelden and Orlais. I see so many beautiful things during my travels, and I always think about how much you would enjoy them, how much more _I_ would enjoy them with you by my side."

"That sounds nice." He smiled slightly. "Tell me about some of the things we'll see."

"The Hissing Wastes. It's kind of a desolate wasteland full of sand and spiders." Alissa laughed self-consciously. "An empty desert - what romantic places I choose."

"With you I'm sure it would be delightful," Cullen offered.

"If you weren't in pain I'd poke you in the ribs for teasing me," Trevelyan threatened.

"I'm perfectly serious. I'm sure I'd love even the Fallow Mire if I were there with you."

"Well, the Hissing Wastes are not as bad as that. During the day the heat is stifling, but I guess you don't want to listen about that now." She refilled the cloth and run it over his arms. "When the night comes, it completely transforms. There's a gentle wind, the sand is cool to the touch, and the entire earth seems to take a breath of relief. The sky is the most incredible mixture of different shades of dark blue. I've never seen the stars so bright anywhere else. It appears like they're right over your head, like you could just lift up a hand and pluck one from the sky. And the moon - oh, it's just huge, hanging low over the horizon, pale and majestic." Cullen closed his eyes, apparently enjoying the picture she was painting, his features mostly relaxed, only the slightest signs of pain showing. Satisfied with that, Alissa continued. "There's an oasis with a bit of grass and some shrubs - we could go there, take a blanket and just look up at the stars. Scout Harding told me that occasionally there are meteor showers there. Some scholars can predict when they happen. Imagine it - just laying in the cool air, our hands tangled as we watch those mysterious shapes cutting through the sky on their way to oblivion." Now Cullen was smiling gently, and Trevelyan felt incredibly happy with herself. "Of course we'd have to kill a few gurguts first. They seem to like that place." And there she went again, blurting out stupid things, ruining the fantasy with reality.

"Gurgut killing with you sounds enjoyable."

"It's nice of you to say. I'm not very good at this - I'm promising you spiders and gurguts, instead of something pretty and relaxing," Alissa complained.

"You're incredible. You make the Hissing Wastes sound magical. It's already on our itinerary. Where else will we go?" Cullen prompted.

"The Emerald Graves," Trevelyan answered immediately, deciding to forget her blunder and do better this time. "The name is glum and its history is even sadder, but it looks just enchanting - lush and green. Between the hills there are some lakes and waterfalls. Do you like swimming?"

Cullen nodded.

"Me too. The water in the Emerald Graves is as blue as the sky, and incredibly clear. You'd have to be very careful - before you'd know what happened, I'd splash your face and swim away to the other side of the lake."

"I can believe that..." He winced suddenly, a muscle in his cheek tightening. "I'm sorry." Alissa could hear his teeth grinding, the pain apparently intensifying. "It comes and goes. I thought it was subsiding..."

"Don't apologize. It's not your fault."

"It is!" he shouted. "It is," he repeated in a whisper. "All the things I've done, all the mistakes I've made, and now... now this! We're at war. I should be working, not laying in bed useless and pathetic."

Before this day Alissa never truly understood the concept of a heart breaking for someone. Now she felt exactly that. The man she loved suffered incredible pain that took away his peace, replacing it with anger and self-recrimination. He didn't deserve it. It was utterly unfair, but she couldn't do anything about it.

"Cullen, you are none of those things - you must know that," she tried to reassure him.

"You don't see it - the twisted, warped, broken parts of me, my rotten insides. You don't see me wake up in terror, haunted by things that happened years ago. The things I did, the things I wanted to do. There's no going back, no changing that. I am just a shadow of the man I used to be, the man I should have become." He moved away from her, like her touch was singing him.

They've talked about it before and Trevelyan thought that he got over his doubt and anger towards himself. Apparently either the pain brought him back to this place of self-loathing or he never got better - just put on a mask for her benefit.

"You have no idea how truly great you are..." she started.

"Don't say that, don't lie," he cut her off, getting up, his back to her, fists clenching at his sides.

Alissa walked up to him and grabbed his hand, tugging him to her. With great reluctance, he turned to face her.

"I will never lie to you. What I will do, is tell you each and every day, that you, Cullen Stanton Rutherford, are a good man, a strong man, a fighter, a survivor," her voice rang loud in her passion, words tumbling out of her mouth quickly. "You are respected, appreciated, wanted and loved. For as long as you don't believe it, I will believe in it for you."

When his eyes widened, Alissa realized what she just said. Fear gripped her. Was this the wrong moment? Would he refuse to believe her in his anger and self-doubt?

"Loved?" he asked, barely above a whisper.

There was no taking it back now. Not that she would want to. She gripped his other hand, looking up at him sternly, wanting him to see how sure she was of her next words.

"Yes. Loved. I love you."

His mouth opened slightly, then closed.

"Why would you...?"

"I love you." Trevelyan cut him off, squeezed his hands tightly.

"But how..."

"I love you. There will be no discussion on that topic, no talk of deserving. I love you. Accept it."

"I... I love you too," Cullen finally managed to choke out, his voice strained. "I love you," he repeated, more sure this time. "Is it..." His face crumbled again. "Am I seeing things? Is it real? If this is a work of a demon..."

There were tears gathering in his eyes, and Alissa felt her own eyes do the same.

"I'm real, very real." She embraced him, despairing at his arms hanging limply at his side. "I love you, I'm real, you know this. I'm no demon. This is not a perfect vision, no temptation. It's just me, Alissa, an awkward woman who stumbles over her words in your presence and doesn't have clever phrases to convince you."

She clutched at him desperately, and almost sobbed with relief when his arms slowly encircled her.

"It's real," Cullen groaned, all but falling on her, making her gasp in shock and stumble. "Ah, it's so real." He laughed when she helped him back on the bed, confused by his behavior. "The pain. It's back." He grinned, making her even more concerned. "No demon would give me this much pain at this moment. Love is supposed to make everything better. The pain would go away. But it's there." He grabbed Alissa by the hands and pulled her to him, crushing her against his chest. Despite the pressure against her ribs, Trevelyan felt light. He believed her. "Love won't fix everything, but it helps. It helps to know that you'll be there for me, even if I don't..."

"Don't you even dare finish that sentence," Trevelyan warned.

"I love you. And I'll try to believe all the things you say about me, to see myself the way you apparently see me." He pressed his lips to the top of her head. "It won't be easy, I will doubt and fail," he added, "but I will try. You keep me looking forward. You are my brighter future."

"And you are mine. All I ask of you is that you try. I will help you however I can. And you will help me. I will come to you with my troubles and I won't be ashamed of needing aid. We are stronger together."

Cullen hummed in agreement, his arms looser around her, running up and down her back.

"Is it not too hot, with me draped over you?" Alissa asked after a few quiet moments.

"Having you close is the best thing for me. It reminds me of what I fight for, that all this pain is worth it. So don't you move. Unless you're uncomfortable," he amended quickly.

"This is the perfect place for me. I wouldn't dream of moving," Trevelyan assured him.

A small tremor of pain shook Cullen and his hands stilled.

"Talk to me," he implored.

"Ah... Exalted Plains, that's quite an interesting place," Alissa started.

The night went on with her describing everything she could think of in Orlais and the Free Marches, offering to show him around Ostwick, suggesting they visit Josephine's family estate in Antiva, talking about interesting places Dorian spoke of in Tevinter. Cullen listened, sometimes laughing lightly at a joke she made, other times mumbling in pain. Finally the pain subsided and he fell asleep.

Trevelyan gently extricated herself from his arms. She had to get to her chambers. It wouldn't serve them to have a recruit see her leaving the Commander's tower early in the morning. Gently, she moved his sweaty hair from his forehead and kissed him lightly, so as not to wake him.

Her heart was filled with tenderness when she looked at him, now calm, free of pain. For the time being. The next time it would happen, he would call for her. Or at least he would not protest when she offered her help. It was going to take a lot of effort, but it would be worth it. He would fight for her and she would fight for him and together they would be unstoppable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After this, and the previous story I published, which was ten thousand words of pure angst, I'm kind of emotionally exhausted. I'll be happy to get back to fluff and humor, now with a side of smut. The war table, Chantry and downstairs library are going to be defiled.
> 
> Comments and kudos are always greatly appreciated.

**Author's Note:**

> When I've heard what Cole had to say about Cullen (Safe and solid, protecting and proud. He feels like quiet. Stronger when you hold him.) I immediately thought how it had to go both ways. The Inquisitor made Cullen stronger and he did the same for her. After Adamant and the Fade, I was emotionally tired, and decided that Alissa must have taken it very hard as well. This was the perfect moment for her to seek comfort in Cullen.
> 
> In the next chapter the roles are reversed. Cullen is dealing with lyrium withdrawal and Alissa is the one helping him.
> 
> Comments and kudos would make my day. [my tumblr, if you're interested](%E2%80%9Dthe-lady-or-the-tiger.tumblr.com/%E2%80%9D)


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